all we are. flashing lights.

what if…to be perfect & honest, perfectly honest.

here is something to bite down on & chew for a little while, honesty.

what if we said exactly how we felt? what if we quit sugarcoating the truth? what if our hearts did the thinking? what if we were honest?

this has been a new concept to me in the last few months. i want to be so completely honest with myself & with those who surround me. sometimes the truth hurts. my relationship with honesty has been rocky. honesty has bit me in the back. it’s a lot easier to lie or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. honesty stands strong. it stand the test of time in the end.

i decided to say what i feel & what i want. i am fully aware that with honesty comes vunerablity. i am a simply complicated. i am strongest when i feel weak. i am in love with myself because i have become dependant on, me. i have finally become comfortable with myself. i have insecurites. who doesn’t? but just because i dislike certain things about myself doesn’t mean i am not completely confident in who i am. i am happy with me. i am constantly wanting & yearning to grow.

you want to impress me? be honest. i love good conversation. passionate conversation. the kind where you are laughing one second, debating the next, & then spilling your guts. what if we were no holds barred. what if there were no secrets? i’ve got a million & i believe most people do. i have been letting them slip out slowy & there is some kind of release. the truth is painful sometimes but in pain comes healing & with healing comes closure.

what if we were honest with ourselves? what if we pulled every skeleton out of the closets & faced them. i mean truly faced them. i decided years ago to never live with regrets. here i’ve been regretting regrets. no more. as i look back & see what i have gone through i realize that i have learned something from every situation. every situation.

i apologize a lot. i apologize for what i say. i apologize for what i have done. i apologize to aplogize to make sure everyone approves…i apologize to trick myself to think i am perfect, honestly. newsflash to self, i don’t have to impress anyone or apologize for being me. i am a perfect in the fact that i am a goofball & sometimes a spazzy one. when i get nervous i shake & my heart beats so loud everyone can hear it. i have a lazy eye & i can’t say the word walrus right. i get the biggest enjoyment out of making people smile & laugh. so what!?!?! i am who i am. honestly, i need to quit apologizing for being me.

so here’s my goal, be HONEST. seriously, make it a point to say exactly how i feel & convey exactly what i want. i think it’s time for me to let everyone see me for me. i know who i am but i haven’t let others see. i hide behind fake smiles & cracking ridiculous jokes & sometimes, dare i say this, i hide behind my music.

no more hiding. i might risk getting hurt but life is risky. so what is one more risk, seriously.

you got something to say, say it!

no holding back loves.

stop at nothing. it’s go time.

i’ve been an absolute girl lately. you know it’s summer time which equals wedding season. i mean i love weddings & hate them all at the same time. i love that i get to see ones i care about tie the knot & be happy then there’s the stuff that i hate which are the following:

- showing up alone (ha, yep i am usually that girl sitting in the back crying her eyes out if i am not a bridesmaid, which i usually am.)

- making awkward conversation (“so glad the weather was so good today?!”)

- being asked about 20 million or so times why i haven’t even attempted to find that special someone (“gosh, christine nicole you aren’t with anyone? why? you have so many choices. you’re getting to that age!” btw, will someone explain to me what “THAT AGE” stinkin’ is…)

- being hit on by all the creepy guys (usually groomsmen or family of the couple…no, i will not date your brother because he’s “kind of” a musician.)

so here we go. time to get really honest. i have been on a major break from dating or attempted relationships. i mean after my last i was left a mess & out of it came an awesome album but still i wasn’t even going to begin to ask someone to put up with me & all that baggage. it just wouldn’t have been fair to any one in the situation.

here’s the deal though, that was over a year & a half ago. i gave myself time to breathe. i finally got rid of all the ridiculous amounts of bittersweet bliss & hurt & blah blah blah. it’s done & it’s over & i don’t want to look back. that was our season & it has passed. i have sworn off guys since that not because i thought all guys were “bad guys” but because i wasn’t ready. i needed to rediscover me. we had leeched each other dry. lost ourselves in each other & walked away asking “who am i now?” but as i said that was a long while ago & i know EXACTLY who i am (praise God it’s so nice to know) & i think…oh lord dare i say it…i think i am ready. eww, that’s hard to say, kind of, but then it’s refreshing. i am happy & i am content. i am young & i am having a blast. i am being me & all by myself for a good logn while. can we say YAY me!

this is my problem though. i haven’t dated in so long i feel like i am back at being a thirteen year old girl. i have no idea what i am doing. i have no clue whatsoever. i laugh at myself often now. wow, am i really that out of the loop? oh yea my loves i totally am! i want to pace myself. my brain & heart are totally out of sync. seriously, they are both saying, “alright, lets freaking do this!” BUT my heart always wants to go in a quicker pace than my brain. i am frustrating myself. man, i forgot how bad thirteen sucked. you know when you are trying to impress someone & you talk to them & you get those butterflies & then everything out of your mouth sounds like a trainwreck. i feel like i am so there.

i decided to not try hard. i am just going to be my spazzy jazzy self & be honest. honesty is the best policy.

gah, no clue what i am doing. no clue. so here i am saying i’m ready & by no means does that mean that i am on the “hunt” for a relationship. it’ll come when well it’s right & i mean God knows what is up & He knows my heart. so for now i shall act like a thirteen year old dumbass & be absolutely open & honest with whoever, including myself. goodness talk about scary. in all the fright though there’s this awesome feeling!

it’s time to man up…well woman up. it’s go time! i say that like a burly wrestler man with conviction or a lumber jack ha.

either way i love who i am. i shall be patient. timing is everything.

i think it’s time.

- christine nicole

did i really just take that leap? whoa.

whew, what a crazy, stressful, & amazing week it has been! i think this might be the first time this week i have actually gotten to sit down & literally breathe. it has been insanity but i know it will all be worth it.

so last week on friday i get a call from one of my besties jacie saying that she knows someone who is renting a house out. i was packing up everything to head to the studio & my mind was an utter mess. i heard what she was saying but it didn’t really register. i have been looking to move out for quite some time but i think the fear of failing scared me out of my mind. you see i don’t like to fail & i don’t like bumps in the road. i like planning every little detail out & it running perfectly & according to plan. ha, sadly life does not work like that. as she gave me details i got excited but then the fear gripped me.

after an amazing time at the studio i rushed home to hear the usual & this time i was tired of the usual. i finally said enough was enough, no more! i’ve been yelled & screamed at all my life & this time i was done. something in me just snapped & i decided it was time. forget the risks & forget the fear…it was time!

i called jacie the next day & asked her if we could check the house out & that we did. it was the custest little thing & in the perfect location! tuesday i decided it was a go. this was it. i was going to do it. i was going to leave. leave it all behind & start over, for myself!

well speeding the story along jacie & i signed for a two bedroom & one bath house. the price is absolutely perfection. i just feel very blessed. in between working the normal five jobs i moved to ”my” house. i spent the last two days on around four hours of sleep. was it worth it? oh yes. as i made my grocery trip last night at 2am i just started crying. crying because i did it! crying because i finally feel free & independent. crying because i knew i wouldn’t be afraid to come home. i wouldn’t be afraid that i’d hear someone yelling & screaming at me. i wasn’t afraid to live in my own house…because i now have one & with my best friend!

it was such a brash decision but possibly the best one i have ever made. last night i slept the best i have slept in weeks. i only slept five hours (didn’t get to bed till 5am) but i felt awake & new…and HAPPY! happy guys. truly happy.

i feel like it’s the beginging. MY beginning.

master cleanse - day one.

so day one of the master cleanse is almost over. lets go through the day:

well i woke up…hungry. i thought to myself, “great, i am hungry & can’t eat.” i mixed a quart of purified water with grey sea salt just as directed. i mixed it then put my lips to the straw awaiting the worst. i started chugging! ah, i only made it half way through. talk about tough. it was like my taste buds screamed, “what the heck is this?” gag reflex kicked in…& then i continued to gulp it down. i did it!

waited thirty minutes then started making the lemonade concoction. everything i have read said it wasn’t that bad, taste wise. so after i was done mixing i started to drink & BURN.the cayenne pepper burns! duh, right?! ok, so the mix doesn’t taste that bad & it doesn’t taste that good either. it’s like i dunno, “eh!?”

throughout the day i continued to make more of the 8oz mix & drank. adding plain purified water in between. i’m still sick so i took a nap from 5:30 to 7:30pm. i woke up & immediately drank another concoction. it’s weird because i am having “cravings” aka wanting junk food but i am not hungry. wow, all this time have i been eating because i thought i was hungry. i mean thinking about my eating habits i am a binge eater. sometimes i don’t eat all day but then when i do i eat way too much or sometimes i eat spaced meals (small portions six to seven times a day) BUT i have one meal where i overeat. when i am sad i eat. when i am happy i eat. GEEZ! i eat healthy like really healthy but i still overeat.

today, i realized how many commercials on tv & holidays & such are literally centered around food. yikes! are we a society ruled by our stomachs? it’s kind of weird. i mean i am wanting food right now but i don’t need it & it’s weird because i feel in control of my body. this is the first time in a long time that i feel like my “cravings” & food don’t rule me.

when you don’t & can’t eat you have a lot of time to reflect. you can’t allow yourself to be bored because that is when your tummy starts SCREAMING at you! i mean literally. the first day isn’t supposed to be hard but it is & isn’t all at the same time. it’s like having the ability to say “NO!” to your body.

i am getting calories but they are very few. check out how many calories the average american eats per day: http://www.diet-blog.com/06/do_americans_eat_3790_calories_per_day.php whoa!!!!!!!! insane? i mean i think sometimes we mean well. we think we are eating healthy & we aren’t. the average restraunt salad has almost 600 calories. what? but it’s salad. most everything in mcdonalds has 700 or more calories. so a burger & fries has 1200 or more calories! it’s surprising & kind of gross.

yea, lots more research on the american diet. i mean i’ve heard all this a million trillion times! but now that i have sat down & just looked at the facts for myself it really hits. hits home hard!

i have two more 8 oz. lemonades to make & drink before the official day ends. so is it hard? YES. does it take will power? YES. are the health benefits worth it? YES YES & YES! i feel a little kick in my step. even being a ill i feel i have a little more energy. i’m still processing all the cravings & hunger & distinguishing the two.

it’s going to be a great journey to health as well as self discovery.

- christine nicole

side note cravings today: chicken fried steak, french fries, ice cream, ranch dressing.

they say whatever you crave is what is still being processed in your body. they also say it can be a build up of toxins in those foods being released into the body causing cravings while they are being expelled from the body.

master cleanse - the day/night before.

so for two months i have been researching the master cleanse. i mean really looked at the ins & outs as well as the pros & cons. after much preparation i decided to go through the process. it’s a life changing process & extremely testing of personal will.

so for two weeks i had been planning for this day. the start of it all. i had my “last meals”. prolly the most unhealthy foods throughout the day: pizza, country chicken fried steak (yea, a veggie head ate a chicken steak ekk), two eggs, hash browns, & a slice of chocolate pie, oh & some whiskey. terrible right? big time BUT for the next twenty days no foods…at all. then the a raw diet meaning vegan. life change. so i literally had my last “american processed” meal.

so to prepare myself for the next day the official DAY ONE of the master cleanse i had to drink senna tea. what is senna tea? basically a natural laxative. so all that junk i ate today uh well yea you get it…

tomorrow morning will be hard. when i wake up i must drink a quart of spring water with sea salt (grey celtic). there are certain tricks to get through this part apparently (as in every article/book i read & studied said this is hard), your gag reflex kicks in & it makes it extremely hard to “get down”. a trick i will try, the most suggested, is to drink the sea salt water through a straw & gulp it but while gulping it count the gulps. it reverts the mind from the salt going down your throat & makes it a little easier! oh, & i course plug my nose.

then onto the lemonade…

so today was the “last measl” & the prep for tomorrow. i realize that this will really test my will & my body. the benefits are so worth it. health is worth it, right? YES.

i am excited & will be keeping a journal here of the whole process! it’s going to be quite a personal journey.

i’m a liar.

 ”i’m a liar. it’s my secret no one knows. i’m a liar. yeah, i know it doesn’t show. no, i don’t miss you anymore. no, i don’t think of you. it’s such a game to seem adored. no, i don’t love you anymore.”

the truth is that i think of you almost everyday. i think of what could of been & what should of been. i feel the butterflies all over again. how you made me forget what i was doing. how i’d get tongue tied when talking to you. i think of the late night conversations. i think of the one regret i don’t regret. i think of everything all the time. after every song i write about you i think i’ll forget you but i don’t. i think i let you slip right through my hands. i still compare every boy i meet to you. i think you’re ridiculous & confused. you would’ve been the best thing for me. i don’t think i could ever trust you but you’d always have something from me. you’ll have my thoughts, my time, my unanswered questions. i lie to myself everyday & tell myself i don’t miss you that you’re happy & that’s all that matters. it’s a lie…i’m a liar.